5 Trauma-Informed Ways to Support Foster Youth During the Holidays

For many children, the holidays feel magical. But for kids who have experienced foster care, adoption, or early developmental trauma, this season can be complicated. The lights and festivities may bring joy, but they can also stir up memories of instability, grief, confusion, and unmet expectations.

As trauma-informed mentors, we have a meaningful opportunity during this time of year:
to provide steadiness, compassion, and connection when big feelings show up.

Below are five trauma-informed ways mentors can support children through the holiday season, along with real stories and examples to bring these concepts to life.

1. Normalize Mixed Feelings and Give Permission to Feel Everything

Children who have experienced developmental trauma often carry conflicting emotions around the holidays.

A child might think:

• “If I enjoy this beautiful Christmas, does that mean my mom wasn’t good enough?”

• “My foster parents are taking us to an amazing holiday light show… but I wish I could just be with my mom at McDonald’s like we used to.”

• “I’m excited… but I’m also sad… is that allowed?”

Story example:
One mentor shared that her mentee received an incredible holiday experience with her adoptive family (matching PJs, gingerbread houses, gifts stacked to the ceiling). But when asked what her favorite Christmas memory was, she quietly said, “When me and my mom split a Happy Meal on Christmas Eve. It was just us.”

Children don’t measure holidays by gifts.
They measure holidays by connection, even when the circumstances were hard.

How mentors can help

• Normalize mixed emotions:
  “You can enjoy something now and still miss what you had before.”

•  Let them know all their feelings are welcome — joy, sadness, anger, guilt, or confusion.

• Offer grounding activities when emotions run high: a nature walk, brushing an animal, quiet sensory play.

The greatest gift you give is permission to feel without judgment.

2. Keep Structure Predictable — Even When the Season Isn’t

Holiday season brings noise, crowds, school breaks, overstimulation, family gatherings, and unpredictable schedules. For a child with trauma, unpredictability can activate hypervigilance or shutdown.

Children crave the known. The simple. The steady.

Story example:
A mentor once planned a surprise holiday activity — holiday music and a craft. But the mentee became overwhelmed and withdrawn. Later, the child said, “I didn’t know what was happening. I thought maybe something bad was coming.”
A surprise meant excitement to the mentor… but meant danger to the child.

How mentors can help

• Preview the session at the beginning:
  “Today, we’ll feed the goats, take our walk, then do the craft you picked last time.”

• Give choices around holiday activities instead of assuming they want them.

• Keep transitions slow and predictable.

Predictability creates safety.
Safety allows connection.
Connection supports healing.

3. Honor Their Story Without Forcing Holiday Cheer

Children with early trauma may not have the holiday memories we assume they have. For some:

• Santa never came.

• Holidays were chaotic, frightening, or disappointing.

• Adults were intoxicated or unpredictable.

• Food was scarce.

• They were in a shelter, a car, with siblings separated, or in the middle of a removal.

So when we ask well-meaning questions like:

• “What are you asking Santa for?”

• “Aren’t you excited for Christmas?”

• “What does your family do for the holidays?”

We might unintentionally highlight what they didn’t have.

Story example:
A 7-year-old was asked what Santa brought her last year. She froze, then whispered,
“Santa didn’t come to our house. My mom said maybe he forgot our street.”
She spent years believing she was invisible — even to Santa.

How mentors can help

• Use inclusive language:
  “Are there any traditions you enjoy?”
  “Is there something you’d like to do this season?”
  “Do you want to do a holiday activity today or something normal?”

• Listen with curiosity when they share memories — not with pity.

• Follow their lead about how “holiday-themed” your session becomes.

Honoring their story means meeting them where they are, not where the season says they should be.

4. Create Moments of Agency in a Season Full of Adult Decisions

Kids who’ve experienced instability often lacked control over the most basic parts of life: where they lived, what they ate, who cared for them, when they moved, when they saw their siblings.

The holidays, with all the adult-led planning, can intensify that helplessness.

Story example:
A mentor shared that her mentee had three different holiday gatherings to attend in one week, foster family’s extended family, a church event, and a visit with biological relatives. By the time she showed up to her session, she was dysregulated and exhausted, saying, “Everyone keeps telling me where to go. I don’t want to go anywhere.”

She didn’t need another activity.
She needed choice.

How mentors can help

• Build agency into every session:
  “Should we start inside or outside?”
  “Do you want quiet time today or something active?”

• Let them co-create a holiday tradition for your sessions — small, simple, meaningful.

• Ask:
  “What would make this season feel good for you?”

Choice tells a child:
“You matter here. Your voice matters.”

That alone is healing.

5. Focus on Connection Over Celebration

When you talk to adults who were in foster care as kids, they rarely remember the gifts — but they vividly remember moments of connection:

• the mentor who showed up the week of Christmas even though they were busy

• the volunteer who listened without rushing

• the horse they brushed to calm down

• the quiet, stable place that felt like a break from the chaos

Story example:
One teen wrote in her journal, “My favorite part of Christmas was my Stable Moments mentor because she didn’t try to make me happy. She just let me be me.”

Sometimes the most trauma-informed response is simply presence.
Not a holiday craft.
Not a festive activity.
Just you.

Connection-based holiday ideas

• Play a game and talk about something simple from their week.

• Create a small “strength token” representing something they’ve overcome this year.

• Walk outside and notice things with your senses.

• Reflect gently on the year:
  “What’s something you learned about yourself?”
  “What’s something you want more of next year?”

Connection is the real tradition.
Your presence is the gift.

Children who have experienced foster care or adoption may navigate the holidays with a mix of excitement, grief, confusion, and longing. As mentors, we don’t need to fix these feelings — we simply need to honor them.

When we:

• allow mixed feelings

• provide predictable structure

• avoid assumptions

• give them agency

• and focus on connection

we help them experience the holidays in a way that feels safe, authentic, and supportive.

Your consistency might be the most grounding part of their entire season — and possibly the part they remember most.