Building Strengths in Trauma-Informed Mentorship

Many of the children we serve arrive in mentorship without a clear sense of who they are.

Not because they lack personality, talent, or potential, but because their early development was shaped by survival. Abuse, neglect, abandonment, and disrupted attachments often interrupt the normal process of discovering interests, skills, preferences, and strengths.

When the adults in your life are unpredictable or unsafe, your energy goes toward staying protected, not exploring who you are.

As a result, many children in foster care or adoption quietly carry a belief that sounds like:
“I’m not good at anything.”

Why a Sense of Self Matters So Much

A healthy sense of self includes knowing:

• What I like and don’t like

• What I’m good at

• What feels hard for me

• What makes me feel proud

• What makes me feel calm, excited, or curious

For children with developmental trauma, this sense of self is often underdeveloped — not because it wasn’t possible, but because it wasn’t safe or supported at the time.

Without a strong sense of self, kids may:

• Rely heavily on others’ approval

• Struggle with confidence and decision-making

• Feel disconnected from their own needs

• Believe they don’t have strengths worth noticing

Mentorship offers something powerful here: a safe relationship where exploration is encouraged, not evaluated.

“What Do You Like?” Can Be a Tricky Question

Mentors often start with well-intended questions like:

• “What are you into?”

• “What do you like to do?”

• “What are your interests?”

But for many children who’ve learned to survive by pleasing adults, these questions aren’t neutral.

Some kids have learned that the safest answer is the right answer — the one that keeps adults happy, interested, or approving. So instead of answering honestly, they may scan you first:

• What do you like?

• What answer will make you like me?

• What will keep this relationship safe?

This doesn’t mean they’re being dishonest. It means they’re being adaptive.

Shifting From Performance to Discovery

One of the most important shifts mentors can make is moving from extracting answers to creating experiences.

Instead of relying only on verbal questions, we help children discover who they are by:

• Trying things together

• Noticing reactions

• Naming strengths in real time

• Letting curiosity lead

This is where structured but flexible activities — like Stable Moments’ “All About Me” work — become so valuable.

The Power of the“All About Me” Activity

At Stable Moments, one of the ways we support strength development and identity-building is through our All About Me activity.

This activity was inspired by the idea of dream boards, with an important distinction. Many of the children we serve aren’t yet dreaming about the future. They’re still discovering who they are right now. All About Me invites exploration through experience.

Using magazines, markers, stickers, and cutouts, children select images, words, and colors that represent things they enjoy: foods, activities, animals, places, moods, or characters they connect with. These are assembled into a collage that simply says:

“This is me.”

For children whose early development was shaped by survival, this low-pressure, creative process allows preferences and interests to emerge without performance. It also gives mentors a natural opportunity to notice and name strengths in real time:

• “You really know what you like.”

• “You’re very thoughtful about your choices.”

• “You stuck with that until it felt right.”

Doing this activity early in the session year, and revisiting it later, offers powerful insight into a child’s evolving sense of self. Changes aren’t a problem; they’re a sign of growth. When a child says, “I don’t like that anymore,” they’re learning to trust their own inner experience.

Over time, these moments help children move from “I don’t know who I am” to “I’m allowed to be myself.”

Catching Strengths in the Moment

One of the most powerful tools mentors have is narration —noticing and naming strengths as they naturally show up.

Many kids have never had an adult consistently reflect their capabilities back to them.

Simple, specific observations matter:

• “Wow, you’ve got a really strong throwing arm.”

• “You stuck with that even when it was hard.”

• “You’re really thoughtful about how you choose your words.”

• “You’re a great reader.”

These statements do more than boost confidence. They help children organize information about themselves.

Over time, those moments accumulate into an internal story:

Maybe I am good at things.
Maybe there’s more to me than just surviving.

 

Let Strengths Be Small (and Real)

Strength development doesn’t have to mean talents or big achievements.

For many children, strengths look like:

• Creativity

• Curiosity

• Humor

• Physical energy

• Problem-solving

• Empathy for animals

• Persistence

• Sensitivity

When we broaden what “strength” means, more children can see themselves reflected.

A Story From the Field

One mentor noticed that a child rarely chose activities but always remembered tiny details (where supplies were stored, how long things took, which rules applied where).

Instead of labeling the child as “rigid” or “controlling,” the mentor said:

“You’re really good at noticing how things work.”

That reframe changed everything.

The child started to see their attention to detail as a strength, not a flaw. Over time, they became more confident in suggesting ideas and trying new things, because their way of being was finally valued.

Strength Development Is Relational

Children don’t discover who they are alone.
They discover who they are in relationship.

When a mentor consistently:

• Shows curiosity without pressure

• Reflects strengths without exaggeration

• Honors changes in preferences

• Separates worth from performance

…children slowly begin to trust their own inner experience.

They learn that they don’t have to guess what you want.
They don’t have to be impressive.
They don’t have to earn belonging.

The Long-Term Impact

A strong sense of self supports:

• Healthy boundaries

• Emotional regulation

• Decision-making

• Resilience

• Identity development

• Confidence in relationships

By helping a child notice their strengths and interests today, you are supporting their ability to navigate adulthood tomorrow.

You don’t have to teach a child who they are.
You simply have to notice, name, and make space.

Every time you say:

“I see that in you.”

…you help a child build a clearer, kinder relationship with themselves.

And that is foundational healing.