The Power of Co-Regulation in Mentorship: Supporting Kids with Developmental Trauma

Children who have experienced foster care and developmental trauma often struggle with emotional regulation. The instability in their early years—frequent transitions, broken trust, and inconsistent caregiving—can make it difficult for them to feel safe in relationships and manage their emotions effectively.

This is where co-regulation plays a vital role in mentorship.

At Stable Moments, we understand that children heal through consistent, stable relationships with caring adults. Our program provides a one-on-one mentorship model, where children meet with the same mentor weekly for a year. This consistency allows for co-regulation to occur, giving children a foundation for emotional growth and resilience.

What is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is the process by which an emotionally regulated adult helps a child manage their own emotions. Instead of expecting kids with trauma to “self-regulate” (a skill that develops only after experiencing safe and responsive caregiving), mentors provide a calm, steady presence that teaches them how to regulate emotions over time.

This happens through:

• Modeling Calmness – Children often mirror the emotional state of the adults around them. When mentors stay patient and composed during moments of stress, they show kids what it looks like to stay regulated in difficult situations.
• Providing Safety and Stability – A mentor who shows up consistently teaches a child’s nervous system that they are safe and cared for, which helps shift them from survival mode into a place where they can learn and grow.
• Responding, Not Reacting – Many children with developmental trauma expect adults to react with anger or withdrawal. A mentor who meets their dysregulation with understanding instead of punishment helps rewire their expectations about relationships.

A Mentor’s Experience: Co-Regulation in Action

Jason is a 9-year-old who has been in and out of foster care since he was three. Jason struggles with frustration and often shuts down when he feels like he doesn’t have the “right” answer.

One afternoon, his mentor, Mark, brought out the Meaningful Moments Cards to spark a conversation. He asked Jason:

“What is something that makes you feel proud?”

Immediately, Jason’s face changed. He furrowed his brow, clenched his fists, and muttered, “I don’t know! I'm not proud of anything.”

Mark could see Jason’s frustration building. In the past, Jason had stormed away or shut down when faced with difficult emotions. But this time, Mark knew co-regulation could help.

Step 1: Stay Present and Regulated

Mark took a deep breath, kept his voice steady, and responded calmly:

“It’s okay if you don’t know right now. We can sit with it for a minute.”

By staying calm, Mark signaled to Jason’s nervous system that there was no pressure, no rush, and no punishment for struggling with an answer.

Step 2: Normalize the Feeling

Jason huffed and crossed his arms. Mark gently mirrored his body language (a trauma-informed strategy to build connection) and then relaxed his own shoulders, modeling regulation.

“You seem frustrated. I get that. Sometimes when I’m asked a question like that, I feel stuck too.”

Hearing that frustration was a normal feeling—rather than something to be ashamed of—helped Jason stay engaged instead of shutting down.

Step 3: Offer a Way Forward Without Fixing

Instead of giving Jason the answer, Mark gave him space and scaffolded the process:

“Want to hear something that made me proud when I was your age?”

Jason shrugged but didn’t walk away—progress! Mark shared a quick story about learning to ride a bike after falling many times.

Then, he asked:

“Have you ever tried something that was really hard at first?”

Jason hesitated, then quietly said, “I guess… I finally did a pull-up in gym class.”

Step 4: Celebrate Small Wins

Mark smiled and nodded.

“That’s awesome! You kept trying, and it paid off. That’s something to be really proud of.”

Jason’s posture softened. His nervous system had shifted from fight/flight to engagement. He had just experienced co-regulation—feeling safe enough to move through frustration instead of getting stuck in it.

Why Kids with Trauma Need Co-Regulation

Children who have spent time in foster care or experienced neglect and abuse often have dysregulated nervous systems. They may be stuck in fight, flight, or freeze responses, making it difficult for them to focus, engage, or trust others.

Through Stable Moments’ trauma-informed mentorship, mentors help children:

✅ Learn that emotions are safe and can be managed.
✅ Experience trustworthy relationships that aren’t transactional.
✅ Develop new neural pathways that support emotional regulation.

Many children in our program have never had a calm, regulated adult help them navigate their emotions. By offering this week after week, mentors become a secure base that children can rely on.

The Impact of Co-Regulation in Mentorship

When co-regulation is present in a mentoring relationship, we see powerful transformations:

✨ A child who once shut down in frustration begins using words to express their feelings.
✨ A child who used to push people away starts leaning into relationships.
✨ A child who was once reactive learns to pause and seek support instead of lashing out.

One of the most rewarding moments in mentorship is seeing a child begin to self-regulate—not because they were told to “calm down” but because they felt what it was like to be calm with another person.

How Mentors Can Foster Co-Regulation

At Stable Moments, mentors don’t need to be therapists or trauma experts—they just need to be consistent, patient, and willing to show up. Here are some simple ways mentors can support co-regulation:

✔ Stay Present – Be emotionally available, even in challenging moments.
✔ Regulate Yourself First – Take a deep breath, model calmness, and remind yourself that behavior is communication.
✔ Use a Steady Tone and Body Language – Soft, predictable responses help a child’s nervous system settle.
✔ Acknowledge Feelings Without Fixing – “I see you’re frustrated. That makes sense. I’m here with you.”
✔ Celebrate Small Wins – Even small moments of regulation deserve recognition.

Co-regulation is a game changer for children with developmental trauma. By consistently showing up and providing a steady, calming presence, mentors help children feel safe, learn to trust, and develop emotional resilience.

But to do this work well, we must also take care of our own emotional regulation. The best way to stay steady in mentorship—and avoid burnout—is to ensure we’ve done our own healing first.

That’s why we created the Heal Yourself, Heal the World course. This course helps individuals uncover and address their own personal patterns, triggers, and emotional wounds so they can show up as their best, most regulated selves—not just for the children they mentor, but for themselves.

When we heal ourselves, we can better co-regulate, connect, and create change—both in our own lives and in the lives of the children we serve.