Why Children With Developmental Trauma Seek Control

Many of the children we serve seek control in order to feel safe.

For a child with a history of developmental trauma, controlling their environment may have once been directly connected to their survival. Even when they are no longer in that environment, the need for control doesn't simply disappear. It can become an automatic way of creating predictability, regulating their nervous system, and making sure the world around them feels manageable.

In the Stable Moments® model, we don't look at controlling behavior and simply see a child who is being bossy, rigid, or difficult. We ask what might be underneath that behavior. Often, what we find is a child who is trying to create safety.

Understanding that changes how we respond.

What Control Can Mean to a Child With a Trauma History

Imagine a child growing up in a home where a parent frequently comes home intoxicated, angry, or unpredictable. That child may learn to manage the environment in an attempt to prevent something bad from happening.

They might make sure the house is perfectly clean. They might check that certain lights are turned off or doors are closed. They may pay close attention to the parent's mood and adjust their own behavior accordingly.

They aren't necessarily thinking, I'm going to control my environment because that will keep me safe. It becomes automatic.

Over time, the child can begin to believe that their safety depends on their ability to manage not only their environment, but the emotional states of the adults around them. If they can keep everyone happy, calm, and regulated, maybe everything will be okay.

And when it isn't okay? They may blame themselves.

I didn't do enough.

I should have done something differently.

Next time I'll try harder.

That survival strategy can follow a child into places where their physical safety is no longer at risk. They may try to manage their classroom, their friendships, their caregivers—and eventually their mentor.

When So Much of Life Is Outside of Your Control

There's another important reason children with developmental trauma may seek control: so much control has already been taken away from them.

Think about something as seemingly ordinary as changing schools. For many children, switching schools is a major life event. They are leaving friends, teachers, routines, and an environment they understand.

In a supportive family, we can talk about the transition. We can listen to the child's concerns. We can prepare them for what is coming and support them through it.

Now imagine experiencing those changes repeatedly without having any meaningful say in them.

A child involved in foster care may change homes, schools, therapists, caregivers, communities, and routines. Decisions that dramatically affect their life may happen around them rather than with them.

When you have repeatedly experienced the world as something that simply happens to you, it makes sense that you might begin searching for places where you can regain some control.

That is why seemingly small opportunities for choice and agency can matter so much.

What the Need for Control Can Look Like in a Mentor Session

The need for control doesn't always look like fear. Sometimes it looks like bossiness.

A child may insist that an activity happen in a particular way. They may tell their mentor exactly where to stand, which materials to use, what color something needs to be, or what order everything needs to happen in.

They may become extremely upset when a plan changes. Maybe it starts raining. Someone else is using the space you planned to use. An activity isn't available. Something simply doesn't go the way they expected.

To the adult, the change may seem insignificant. To the child, it may feel like, I thought I knew what was going to happen. I thought I had some control here. Now I don't.

You may also see a child reject activities simply because they weren't their idea. A mentor might spend time preparing an amazing activity, arrive excited to share it, and immediately hear, "That's stupid. I don't want to do that."

It can feel frustrating, especially when the mentor has put a lot of thought into the session. But sometimes the issue isn't the activity at all. The child may be responding to the feeling that someone else has taken over.

Other children may micromanage their mentor constantly: "You're doing that wrong." "That's not where that goes." "You're supposed to do it this way."

They may struggle to collaborate, reject the mentor's ideas, become upset when they lose a game, or melt down when an art project doesn't turn out exactly as expected.

Instead of immediately correcting the behavior, we want to become curious about what it might be communicating.

Give Them Predictability With a Three-Part Plan

One of the simplest ways we create safety in Stable Moments is through our three-part plan.

At the beginning of every session, the mentor and child collaboratively create a plan consisting of three parts: a connection activity, a life skill development activity, and a transition activity.

For a child who seeks control, simply knowing what is going to happen can be regulating.

We also want the child involved in creating that plan. For some children, asking, "What do you want to do today?" is too open-ended. Instead, we might offer several choices for each part of the session and allow the child to select from them.

Now they know what's coming, and they have ownership over it.

Importantly, the plan isn't rigid.

If the child sees another activity halfway through the session and wants to change course, we can return to the plan together: We planned these three things. If you'd like to add this new activity, which one would you like to replace?

We're not saying no simply because the plan changed. We're also not abandoning all structure.

We're teaching the child: You have agency here. You can make choices. You can change your mind. And there are still safe boundaries around those choices.

Try "You Lead, I Lead"

What about the child who wants to control everything?

Instead of getting into a power struggle, try intentionally giving them opportunities to lead.

You might say, "You're going to lead this activity, and I'm going to follow your directions. Then I'm going to lead the next activity, and you'll follow mine."

You can even divide the session that way. Maybe the child leads the connection activity, the mentor leads the life skill activity, and the child leads the transition.

For shorter activities, set a timer. For five minutes, the child gets to be the leader. For the next five minutes, the mentor leads. Afterward, you practice working collaboratively.

During the child's turn, let them experience what it feels like to genuinely lead. During your turn, if they begin correcting or directing you again, you can gently remind them, "Remember, it's my turn to lead. You'll get another turn."

This gives the child something much more valuable than simply being told to stop being bossy.

They get to experience having control and giving it up.

They learn that another person can lead without something bad happening. They learn that leadership doesn't disappear simply because someone else gets a turn. And eventually, they can begin practicing the give-and-take required in healthy relationships.

Teaching Children What's "In My Hands"

Another Stable Moments activity we use around control is called In My Hands.

The purpose of the activity is to help children distinguish between what is within their control and what isn't. This can be especially helpful when a child is anxious about something like an upcoming court hearing, a test at school, a family situation, or another event where they desperately want to know, or control, what will happen.

Both the mentor and child trace one of their hands onto a piece of paper. We like doing this activity alongside the child rather than hovering over them while they complete it.

Inside the hand, write the things that are within your control.

That might include asking for help, taking a deep breath, choosing your words, being kind, studying for a test, or deciding how you respond to a situation.

Around the outside of the hand, write the things you cannot control.

That might include the weather, another person's response, the outcome of a court hearing, someone else's mood, or certain rules at school or home.

Then you can look at the page together and talk about it:

These are the things that are in my hands. These are the things I can work on. The rest isn't mine to carry.

You can even cut the hand out and crumple up or throw away the things outside of it as a physical representation of letting them go.

This activity also creates some incredible opportunities for conversation. Was it easier to think of things outside of your control than things within your control? How does it feel to know you don't have to carry everything outside of your hands? Could you use this when you're feeling overwhelmed at home or school?

For children who have spent years trying to manage the people and circumstances around them, learning that they don't have to carry all of it can be powerful.

We're Not Trying to Take Control Away

When a child is rigid, bossy, inflexible, or constantly trying to manage everyone around them, our instinct may be to push back.

But for children with developmental trauma, taking away control can reinforce the very feeling that is driving the behavior.

Instead, we can create safe opportunities for agency.

We can give them predictable plans. We can allow them to make meaningful choices. We can let them lead. We can also let them experience someone else leading safely. And we can help them recognize which things truly are within their control—and which things they don't have to carry.

The goal isn't for the child to control everything.

The goal is for them to eventually understand:

I have a voice. I have choices. I have agency. And I can still be safe when I'm not in control of everything.

That is a very different lesson than simply teaching a child not to be "controlling."

And for a child whose early experiences taught them that the world was unpredictable and largely outside of their control, it can be an incredibly important one.

Want to learn more about how Stable Moments intentionally uses mentorship and structured activities to develop life skills in children with developmental trauma? Watch our free webinar at stablemoments.com/webinar.

And if you know a school, church, or community-based organization that could bring Stable Moments to children in your community, please share the webinar with them.